A Lovely Birth Story

Hello everyone! She's here!!

Warning: Kinda, sorta, REALLY long. ;)

Apparently Tuesday was a good day to have a baby!

But barely. She arrived Tuesday night at 11:04. She was six pounds four ounces and nineteen inches long. She has light brown/blonde hair with some light blonde and red in it and really light eyebrows and lashes. So we're not too sure which way her hair will go. 

I have to tell you a little about the meaning of her name. We've liked her first name since we were pregnant with our second baby, Son. We didn't know what we were having so that was our choice if it was a girl. Then we still liked it through our third pregnancy, again a boy. And now, we still liked it when we found out that Jelly Bean was a girl!! I had looked up the meaning to the name years ago and really hadn't given it much thought again and didn't remember what it meant. Anyway, we picked her middle name based on the meaning, it means birth or born (in reference to Christ's birth) and I just loved it. In the hospital, Hubby asked me what her first name meant and I had no clue anymore, so I just looked it up again and the Greek and French origins of her name mean "bright light" or "torch." So her full name could mean a bright light or torch is born! How amazing!! God's got plans for this little one, let me tell you! ;)

So that's it. She's here. She's great. 

Huh? 

What?

You want to hear our birth story?

Well....

Okay fine. ;)

So Wednesday I posted about being up all night with contractions. They continued as I had written all day. They were every five minutes, very uncomfortable. I couldn't sleep through them, but I could still walk and talk through most of them. I was in early labor and I knew it. Around noon I started getting frustrated that there wasn't any change. I would even have ten minute breaks here and there with no contractions at all. So my friend Rachelle was so kind to come over and hang out with the kids and I. Then she pulled out her stroller, loaded up her kids and asked promptly "Ready to go for a walk?" We walked around the block a couple times and even ran a little at one point. 

I also cleaned my bathrooms, cleared out all the laundry hampers, picked out clothes for all the kids for the week, cleaned the couches and vacuumed. Just a few last minute chores to get things moving. ;)

Well things were still the exact same until around 3:30 or 4:00 when I started to notice the intensity of the contractions increasing, however not the frequency. At this point I found myself still wanting to walk and move around a lot, but had to lean on something through a contraction and couldn't really focus well to talk through them. 

Hubby had come home from work early and started to ask every 30 minutes "Time to go?" I told him I would absolutely NOT go to the hospital only to be sent home because my contractions are not consistent or frequent enough. That's what they told me with Baby and I was at 8 cm when I went BACK to the hospital a few hours later. So this time, I was not leaving until I knew I was already far along like that. So we waited.

Fed the kids. Bathed them. Read stories. Explained what was going on and that we could be taking mommy to the Doctor while they were sleeping if Jelly Bean told us it was time. Daughter was a little nervous about me being away, but really excited for her baby sister to come. Then we sat down to wait. I worked on a blanket and read a book. But then I noticed that the contractions seemed to subside a bit! It was around seven at night and I started to get frustrated again that they weren't progressing. I had already called my neighbor to be ready that night and hubby had already told his work he'd be out the next day. I started to think maybe she won't come tonight! 

Hubby suggested that I lay down and sleep since I'd been up since midnight, but I didn't want to because I just wanted to keep things going! So I paced the house. For almost an hour I walked around, stopping to lean on a chair, swaying from side to side through contractions every five minutes. Around 8:30, I was still frustrated and very tired. So I decided to just give up and lay down. I fell asleep on the couch almost immediately. About 25 minutes later, my eyes opened so fast as my whole body folded in half. My stomach tightened hard and my legs were shaking as the worst contraction yet rolled through. It lasted for two minutes and after that I knew she was coming that night. 

The contractions...ahh the contractions. 

They were excruciating, the pain was so deep, rolling through my back and my abdomen, shooting violent shakes down my legs. I couldn't hold back the large tears that came with each one, my jaw clenched tight and my face was hot with exhaustion from this pain that couldn't be escaped. 

I had been mentally preparing myself for labor for weeks. I didn't want an epidural (although I was sure I'd give in the second I walked through the hospital doors) and I knew I wanted to stay home as long as possible, even though the same plan with Baby had still led to five hours laboring in the hospital before he was born.

Every time I'd have a contraction I'd sing softly to myself "It is well" or repeat her name, reminding myself this was so minor a pain compared to the joy I'd be experiencing so soon. I'd tell myself that I was not at the limit of pain that God had designed my body to bear and I'd remember all the hours I'd spent praying for the tiny life inside me. It ended up being a really mental and sometimes even spiritual with the amount of prayers I was sending up, battle. Sometimes I'd think "If I were at the hospital, I could already have an epidural and be sleeping through most of this." But I'd remind myself that my body was designed to endure this and if Jesus could experience the suffering He had for us, I could surely endure this labor to welcome our baby into this life. 

We decided to wait about an hour before going to the hospital, about the same as what we'd done with Baby. I had about seven more contractions, but the last three were almost back to back. We called our neighbor, checked on the kids and we were off by 10:15. We got to the hospital and signed in at admitting by 10:30. We were sent up to labor and delivery and taken to a room. I was having contractions every 1-2 minutes, each one lasting two minutes. I was crying and moaning and groaning, gritting my teeth, and often times thinking that I just needed to calm down. I changed into the open backed hospital gown and got into bed and they checked me immediately. It was 10:42. I was dilated to seven, although they said it was hard to tell exactly because my water bag was bulging (remember the high fluid numbers?). The baby's head was no longer on my cervix (it was the day and week before, causing a lot of pressure), but was being pushed up because the bag of waters was bulging down. That explains why everything felt so slow progressing all day...it was moving along nicely, but I wasn't feeling that intense pressure normally felt during active labor. So they laid me on my side to try to relieve some of the bulging and then left to start a chart and get an IV going. They asked if I wanted an epidural and I said I did if they thought they could get it in time, because by this point all of my self control was gone and I just wanted to sleep. I kept saying "I'm so tired...I'm so so tired!"

As soon as all the nurses had left the room, I felt a pop and then warm fluid rushed all over the bed, down my legs. There was so much fluid it just kept pouring out. Hubby went to the hall to tell the nurse and as soon as all the fluid had stopped, I immediately felt the most overwhelming and painful pressure right at my cervix. It felt as if a bowling ball slammed against my cervix out of nowhere. I literally felt like bones were crushing and pulling apart at the same time. I looked at the clock right when my water broke. It was 10:55pm.

The nurses were telling me to relax and not to push at all because we were waiting for the Doctor. I kept saying I was sorry and that I was trying and I kept telling them I wasn't pushing. It felt like something was inside me (well, duh) pushing the baby. My main nurse looked at me and said that if she had to deliver the baby, everything would be fine and that she'd done it numerous times before. I just nodded and didn't take the time to explain that I wasn't really concerned with who was delivering my baby, I just didn't want her to end up on the floor. I felt the nurse pushing back on the baby's head and I knew she was holding her head inside as she was talking to me. A minute later she said "Okay, head's out!" 

I was surprised because I had been trying so very hard not to push, to hold her inside. But at the same time I wasn't surprised at all because I had felt her head pushing despite all my best efforts. The nurse told me to push one time, I did and Jelly Bean was born. I remember looking at Hubby's face and laughing because he was so excited, nervous, surprised and shocked at the whole situation. Bean's time of birth was 11:04, exactly 22 minutes after I climbed onto that hospital bed and 34 minutes after we arrived at the hospital. Everything happened so fast, so different than the other kids...so unexpected. 

The Doctor didn't make it for delivery. He arrived 20 minutes after birth. Our friend and photographer, who I had planned to be there for a little bit before the birth as well, arrived about three minutes after the birth. 

**By the way, thank you so much Sarah for being a part of this day, this incredibly special time with our family and for capturing such perfect moments. And if you haven't thought about or decided to have your birth photographed professionally, I would HIGHLY recommend it. I wish I would have done it with all my kids...the pictures are just priceless**

I didn't have an IV hooked up. There was no time to start any of my paperwork, the nurses didn't even have time to break down the bed. The monitors only had about two minutes of contractions and heart rates recorded. It was a blur, but it was an incredible, wonderful blur.

Seeing her sweet, tiny little face with her paper thin ears and cheeks covered in peach fuzz was overwhelming, to say the least. She's my fourth baby, so I knew this was coming, but it never tires. The wonder is never worn, the magic is never old. The mystery of birth and life is revealed new each time and each time I whisper to myself how I cannot imagine not having done this one more time. 

I marvel that Jesus actually knit her together...pieced her precious little self tiny bit by tiny bit, deep in my body. At the same time, He also nurtured a seed of love planted deep in my soul. All her soft little flutters, every time I heard her strong heart beat, every thought of her that passed through my mind were all orchestrated together to create a love that was exploding long before I held her fragile hands, touching each slender finger. 

I could go on and on describing the moment, the experience, the feelings and mostly, the baby. My child. My youngest child. 

But really, it is summed up so perfectly in such an ordinary way. I needn't do all this blabbering. Just look at her. Just know that Jesus designed her and allowed us to meet her, to hold her, to know her, to love her. I don't need to say much...she tells the story in her soft little noises that sound like a kitten, her sweet baby smell, the velvety smoothness of her skin.

I really can't say anything to do her...Jesus' handiwork justice.

So I'll just leave it at this...the two words that run through my mind all the time.

She's Lovely.

Gifts 860-906

Watching the sunrise moment by moment as it creeps up and through each cloud in quiet morning sky

veggietales

majestic horses running free

amazing thunder storms
hours of playing outside with nothing but nature
safe travels
welcome home greetings
hearing about our trip from my kids
meeting a new blog friend
a lingering summer
waiting for fall
deciding on a name
bickering with hubby
saying I'm sorry
pondering what God didn't have to do = grace
shuddering at what He should have done = mercy
giveaways, so generous
my favorite verse: Exodus 14:14
a growing belly
the times when my back isn't hurting
shoe glue
missing Oklahoma
children's books
watching Daughter read!!
The tale of Loveland
having a sister...help me love her more
fishing with my family
catching a fish or two!!
dragonflies of all colors
pears...how I love pears
little girls worrying about marriage
teaching them to be children
smudges on the mirrors
handprints on the window
growth spurts
perseverance
homemade gifts for family
dreaming of Christmas
oatmeal cookie oatmeal
Daughter's sassy attitude and hot temper
long eyelashes and
wide eyes
hair so soft like velvet
seeing armadillos! lol
a friend expecting a little one
banana smoothies
Trader Joe's vanilla wafers-OMG

Discouraged

I had one of those weekends.

I've been so crazy busy that I've been running around with my notebook and pen, checking one thing off my list and adding two more all in one brushstroke. 

It's been tiresome. 

Saturday was kinda my peak day with these feelings and I ended up getting hardly anything done because I sat around in my pajamas feeling sorry for myself and snapping at my kids all day. 

Lovely. Yes. Would you like to be my friend? ;)

Well anyway, I went to church Sunday dragging my feet a little bit because I just felt so overwhelmed by the things I had to do that I felt like it was almost useless to worry about it because there was just no way I'd get it all done anyway.

I was feeling overwhelmed and angry. I was angry at myself for how snappy I had been with my kids lately. I mean really, how dare they beg for my attention, right? Blah. 

So here I go into church and what does Pastor Gary start talking about? 

Being discouraged. Oh good Lord. 

A message completely and totally directed at me.

I could feel eyes burning holes in my head like everyone was staring at me, knowing that this was my personal struggle this week. Or maybe it was just Jess in the nursing room behind me staring at my uneven hair-do through the one way glass. ;)

Either way, it felt like Pastor Gary had just pulled up a chair and taken me by the hand and said "Listen up. Be ye encouraged!"

Well, almost. 

I couldn't believe it! Here I was just complaining and griping and moaning, feeling discouraged, tired and overwhelmed and Pastor Gary tells us how being discouraged is really rather insulting to our God. 

God watches each of us and gives us no more than we can handle and tells us to simply trust Him. Me being discouraged just shows that I am looking in the mirror for strength and guidance and not to my Maker. It shows that I do not trust that He can handle it; that I think that perhaps things will go a little smoother if I just go ahead a take care of it. 

Discouragement is when we've lost confidence and enthusiasm. As someone who loves and tries to follow God, this only means that I've lost confidence or enthusiasm in my God. How insulting and awful for me to walk around with a frown on my face and my arms crossed basically telling the world that I worship a God but obviously don't have any faith or confidence in Him.

Abraham Lincoln said "Let no feeling of discouragement come upon you and in the end you are sure to succeed." 

God has told us to operate in faith and not in fear. Why? Because faith has its focus on what we do want to happen and fear has its focus on what we don't want to happen. 

If God is for me then who can be against me?

How could ANYthing discourage me? 

According to your faith let it be done to you! 

If I an constantly worrying about what I can't finish, what will never happen, what I can't do, then I am setting my destiny. I am choosing my path. My thoughts should be prayers to God for strength, wisdom and guidance. That He would remind me that with Him all things are possible and that He is there beside me every step that I'll allow. I must stop pushing Him away! I must stop trying to do things in my own strength. 

How arrogant of me and insulting to Him for me to say "No thank you, Lord. I got this." 

But yet you better believe when one of the kids keeps waking up at night, He's the first one I'm running to: "Lord PLEASE let these children sleep all night! PLEASE!"

I need to pray for a strong and unwavering faith in Him. 

Pastor Gary outlined ways to live a life of little discouragement. One of them was to unlimit our lives. He used an example of an ultra marathon runner named Dean Karnazes who ran a 100 mile race, a 200 mile race and then just for kicks ran as far as he could without stopping and ran 350 miles. He had bleeding feet and missing toenails on the 100 mile race. I don't even want to know what was missing and bleeding after the 350 mile race. Pastor Gary told this story with awe and a sense of admiration, pointing to Dean as an example of dreaming big and overcoming obstacles. 

I had a hard time seeing it that way. 

If body parts are falling off, I generally see that as communication from my body asking me nicelybegging profusely to stop the abuse. 

However, most people were shaking their heads in disbelief and absorbing 

all of the obstacle overcoming vibes.

So I tried to focus on that. 

And it's true. We do tend to put limits on ourselves. I mean, who can't run across a state or two without stopping for a snack or a nap? I may do that this weekend after I read the Sunday paper. 

Could be a nice little family outing. 

And we put limits on our lives and the people in our lives. 

And most of all, we put limits on our God. We tend to decided what's too much for Him. When in reality, Christ says we can do ALL things THROUGH Him. 

Not some things.

Not most things. 

Not some things if you are in really good shape. ;) 

ALL things.

He said Do not be discouraged nor dismayed because the Lord is with you wherever you go. 

He's with us at work. On the road. At home with our kids. 

When we're trying to potty train. 

When our four year old takes her brother's train for the 95th time that day. 

When the two year old throws a tantrum and the baby is cutting teeth at 3 in the morning. 

When our husbands are working long hours. 

When we need a break. When we need a cry. When we need a hug. He's there. 

Wanting to help us, to strengthen us, to encourage us.

I think most people listening to this message were thinking about bigger things. 

They were probably thinking about not being discouraged with life. Not giving up on marriage. Not quitting their job. Giving up bad habits. Making positive choices.

I just kept thinking about my kids. I just kept thinking that when I blow my lid at home and yell at my kids or throw my hands in the air and just give up on the day, that I'm giving up on my job, my role as their mother. And I'm letting them down, my husband down, myself down and letting God down.

I was thinking about when I yelled at them to talk nicely in the car and they yelled back for me to do the same. I was asking myself if I was showing them a godly woman, a mother who draws her strength from God? I was learning that when I only try to get strength and courage from myself that I'm really robbing my kids. If I just followed His commands to be strong and of good courage by looking to Him that I'd probably be a much better mother to my children. 

That they'd probably end up being much better adults and parents themselves someday. 

I want my children to look back and tell a story of their mother and what a strong woman she was. That she was this strong and courageous person because the 

Almighty was within her and she allowed Him to take the lead.

It was exactly the message I needed to hear. And this week is going much better.

I'm trying to remember to not be discouraged for I have my God before me, beside me and within me. 

And really, what could possibly get me down?

Broken and Sacrificed

The last few weeks of my life, hmm...I take that back, perhaps the last couple months, have truly been a whirlwind of emotions. Some of the reasons I feel quite validated being emotional over and some of the others I feel that I just need a good slap across the face. Nonetheless, the emotions, both good and bad, have definitely been there. 
I have been trying to get back to the roots of who I am...really trying to become the person I love. Honestly, as silly as it sounds, blogging has been a big part of this effort. I love to write and it is such an effortless and natural way for me to communicate and express myself. I started exercising again when Son was about six months old, but I wasn't exceptionally dedicated. After watching this season's Biggest Loser, I have really been feeling the tug to get up and get serious about my health. I know that my children look to me to be the example for them and how they should live their lives, and I want to make all the best choices possible. So, inspired by the Biggest Loser, I started trying to figure out an affordable and motivating way to get moving. Right around the same time, a couple friends mentioned the Disney half-marathon that they were participating in. After reading about it, I realized that the fees are a little out of my league this time around, especially considering that I am really not a seasoned runner and don't want to put so much $$ into it before I feel it is really "my thing." However, I am training with a couple friends who are doing it, and I am going to try my best to keep up and get in tip top shape! Woo hoo! I have already felt a surge of energy and just been in a better mood this week after only running three times! So I do feel really excited about that!
We have also started to go to church again. This was a huge burden on my heart. We were going pretty regularly until we moved in September. Our old churches were further than we wanted to drive and somehow, every Sunday there seemed to be a new excuse why we couldn't go. Well, this last Sunday, we finally stopped making excuses and went to church. We went to one that wasn't our top choice, but the service turned out to be great and the kids really enjoyed themselves. It was so exciting to see Daughter come out of her class and show me the craft she made and tell me all about what she did. Her age is so incredible right now; she is changing and growing up, literally right in front of my eyes. It is overwhelming!
So there you have it...life has been throwing quite a few curve balls lately and God has been teaching me to lean on Him and find the lesson through it all. I have learned to not only pray that God would reveal the lesson He wants me to learn, but to also show me how to use it. I have learned about envy, gossip and greed and how they can be poison to surrounding people and relationships. Through these situations I am learning to use those lessons to be a better person and to be the friend to others that I want in my life. 
Through blogging I have learned to be transparent and how much it is appreciated when you are honest and truthful about who you are; people are grateful to see that everyone else is having a bad hair day, has naughty children sometimes, or just wants to cry (or scream). It is a protective wall that we sometimes put up - but it is not our real lives. We do not bake cookies and make crafts every day and our children are not always smiling with pressed clothes and matching shoes. I think we all need to see the reality that is life and learn that it is nothing to be shameful of; it is an honesty than can help us lean on one another and learn from each other.
When I first was reading about the half marathon, I was disappointed that we wouldn't be able to afford the registration fee. I thought "I want a goal, a purpose; something to work towards, attain and complete." I felt pangs of jealousy and had to argue them back down. I was driving, running errands, and thinking about this, when I literally heard God tell me 
"Hush, you have a goal...reach it."
I knew right there that God wanted me to focus the devotion that I had building for the race on Him. I am already running a race and He desires that I am looking only to Him for purpose. Wow...I couldn't believe that I had let this disappointed feeling consume my heart, even for just the short time it did. I realized that it had taken my eyes away from my Lord, and that was unpleasing. I asked God to help guide me back to my path, to my race, and to help me run it with fervor and pride. I have His name on my chest and I will hold my head high and run for Him. My race right now is to focus on becoming the beacon that He created me to be. So now, when I run in the mornings with the girls (and my hollering young children), I am trying to focus on Jesus. I have been humming hymns and worship songs, admiring the splendor of the early morning, and praying for God to push me to the end. No really, that prayer is often overtaking the humming. And it is fair to say that the prayer has very quickly become a desperate plea for help or an ambulance. ;o) Still, it has been glorious. 
And my final lesson could very well be that slap across the face that I spoke of earlier. In church on Sunday, the Pastor read from Numbers 11. We went through the whole chapter, and let me tell you, if anyone ever says God has no sense of humor, this is the chapter to share. Anyway, for me, the entire impact of the chapter was summed up in the very first verse: Numbers 11:1 Now when the people complained, it displeased the Lord; for the Lord heard it and His anger was aroused. 
Wow, I always thought it was just a pet peeve of parents! But no, our complaining is displeasing to and angers the Lord! Just sit on that for a minute. Pastor Gary went on to explain quite a few points, one of which was that when we are discontent and complaining, it is a sign that we are far from God. Honestly, my eyes got a little misty when he said that. I have been complaining a lot lately, about anything and everything! I don't mean to and I really don't consider myself much of a complainer, which proved to me even more that it really is a sign of distance from the Lord. And doesn't that just make perfect sense? If God created us the way we are, down to our very fiber and number of hairs on our head, if He carefully chose and placed us in each situation in our lives and thoughtfully set us on the path He desired for us, how insulting and inconsiderate is it for us to be discontent with His decisions? 
That is really us questioning the Creator of the Universe, the Son of God, our Comforter, Advocate, our Faithful and True Deliverer, our King of Kings, Morning Star and Master. Our feelings of discontent are us being discontent with our Heavenly Father, the only One who has never had any other interest than our eternity and well-being in mind! How can we be discontent?? 
Pastor Gary challenged us to go one day without complaining about anything. Kenny and I are starting tomorrow. ;o) We said that yesterday and the day before, each day trying and failing. How wonderful that even with our discontentment, and even though I may drift, my Savior is still right where He has and will always be. Waiting for me with his arms wide open to hold me and accept me as I am and to help me be a better beacon for Him.
The past couple months have been filled with so many less than pleasant circumstances. The past couple months have broken me in so many ways. However, the Lord had lifted me up on His shoulders and is teaching me to give my life as a sacrifice. I did that when I was younger, and now I am learning to remit control to the One who deserves it all. I have been broken and sacrificed.

Today I...

Baked bread for the entire month from scratch. And I whistled while I did it.

Shampooed my carpets by hand, using cloths that I wove myself.

Taught my children long division and worked on their Hebrew.

Calmly sat down and discussed with my toddler why putting his baby brother in a choke-hold is not a "good choice." In the middle of the Wal-Mart parking lot. Then we held hands and sang a song while rubbing noses.

Made every person in my family their own favorite meal and felt happy and complete as they all ate every bite and complimented each other the entire time.

Whipped up a batch of homemade laundry detergent.

Sanitized every toy in the playroom and returned each to its proper and labeled home.

Ran five miles with my dogs. Uphill. Practicing Cesar Millan's world-renowned dog training techniques. Oozing pack leadership the entire way. Oh, and no, they do not have to be on leashes. They are so well-behaved.

Sent every one of my friends a hand-sewn satchel of love with a written note telling them how much I appreciate them.

Led an impromptu Bible study on the corner of my block, strumming a harp and singing "Kum-ba-yah."

Stroked my hubby's ego as soon as he walked in the door and then sat and watched the entire Star Wars series to show my complete and utter devotion.

Wait, you think I'm lying? That I'm making this all up? What??!!

You know me too well.

It went more like this:

Scooped up all the bread on the day old rack to cram in my freezer for the next month. I like to stay well stocked. Which is why, right before we went to the store, we had PB&J on saltines. Mmmm...    :o/

Moved my couch down a couple inches to cover a stain on the carpet. Just until I get a hold of a shampooer.

Gave my kids a preschool workbook, some markers and a couple pairs of safety scissors and told them to learn something. Just until I finished watching Oprah wiping down the counters.

Told my toddler that if he didn't let go of his brother, I'd personally take him down WWF style right here, right now. In the middle of the Wal-Mart parking lot. Then I told the lady staring at me to pull up a chair for front row seats.

Heated up leftovers for dinner and upon hearing the "Chili, agaaaiiin?!" whines, I said it doesn't count as leftovers if you didn't touch it the night before. Then I mentally zoned out and took myself somewhere far away and exotic as the screeching and food flinging ensued.

Added a little water to the tiny bit of laundry soap I had left so that I could at least wash my husband's work clothes. And no, he did NOT ask me to wash him so clothes because he had no clean ones left! That would be really terrible.

Tossed the toys in the play room at the end of the night. And actually, yes, I was completely satisfied as long as they were just inside the doorway. Sanitize? I'm not running a hospital here! ;)

Walked to the mailbox. All thirty feet. Slowly. Without kids. Definitely without dogs. Enjoying the quiet. I have no idea what either the kids OR the dogs were doing while I was outside. I DO know that when I go back both kids' bedding (ALL of it) was downstairs and my lemon tree in my backyard looks like a stick person in the ground. :(

Forgot to call a friend and my MIL back until it was too late. :o/ Sorry, guys.

Pondered whether I could consider looking at a craft blog with a Bible verse picture tutorial my devotion for the day. Thought God probably didn't think that was funny. Stopped blog hopping and did a devotion.

Scoffed at my hubby's television choice for the night. Ancient Aliens vs. Ellen?? No brainer!

All in all, I think it was a pretty nice day. Just a friendly reminder that this blog is not portraying a picture perfect mom, family or life. Rather, the story of me trying to be a mom, take care of my family and keep up with life. :)

Gifts 799-859

Helpful people strangers at airports

Amazing children

Daughter, getting so grown up and jumping at the chance to help mom

the aching in my heart saying goodbye to Hubby, even just for a week

smart packing 

wise planning

big hallways to run

snacks

the excitement of a child's "first" flight

meeting the kindest pilots

my stomach feeling sick during take off and turbulence for the first time ever

the eager and inquisitive minds of exploring children

questions

answers

chubby toes kicking the nicest woman the entire flight

taking in a new place

seeing a part of God's creation for the first time

stunning sunsets

even more incredible sunrises

being awake to see the sunrise

seeing nothing but rolling hills, blue skies as far as I can look

sitting outside holding baby as the sun rises slowly over the pond

quiet

hearing the world, God's world, moving around me

time with family

reflecting on old family memories

missing those we've lost

seeing them again in family videos

kids driving tractors

sidewalk chalk

learning about "tomatoes" and "tomato cellars."

majestic horses in the fields

the biggest sky I've ever seen

helping my parents in the kitchen

Baby loving on Poppa

Son helping Grandma-mother in the kitchen

Daughter learning new homework tips from Poppa

Talking to Hubby/Daddy every day

Missing home

Missing hubby

Waiting for Auntie to arrive

Swimming for hours at Grandma's house

(how often can we say that??!!)

throwing rocks in the pond

setting off fireworks

sleeping in one room together

admiring Oklahoma's adorable zoo

Running along the Arkansas River

The sweet and knowledgeable veterans at the air and space museum

the vastness of space

Myself, so small, not even a speck in this incredible galaxy

Being treasured by the one, the Force holding all "this" together

More galaxies than we can count or explore in a lifetime

stars, constantly being "born" and dying, Jesus knowing each one and it's number 

Realizing my place in this life

having a good day

Baby calling my parent's dog "Bewwah!!"

A fresh haircut

talking to my dad late into the night

Belle sings SIlent Night

A couple weeks ago, when I put Son down for a nap, we had one of those insane moments. The screaming, flailing, hitting, kicking, arching back, levitating, running up the walls and drop-kicking toys, speaking in another dialect...you know, when a kid does NOT want to nap so badly that they go all 

Emily Rose on you? Yeah. It was kinda like that. 

I tried to reach out and rub his back. 

He jerked away.

I tried to calmly say his name and talk to him.

He screamed at me.

I tried to cuddle him.

He hit me.

I tried to leave.

He threw stuff and screamed to come back.

It was definitely not one of his most charming moments.

I was at a loss and getting frustrated, anticipating that he would be waking Baby up any moment. 

I pleaded with God to cast out the demons. I sat down on the floor of his room, watching my little boy lose his marbles because he was so sleepy, and I started to sing. It was Christmas time and the only song that came to mind immediately seemed to reflect the deepest desires of my heart. I sang Silent Night. Right after the first "Holy Night," he sat down and watched me, wiping his eyes and sniffling that sad little kid sniffle. As soon as I got to "yon virgin," he crawled over and started to climb on my lap. I looked past the boogers and tears and pulled him in, leaning his red, tear-stained face on my chest. 

I wrapped my arms around him and finished the song, rocking slightly. 

I started to sing it again and was about halfway through when he stopped me. 

"Mommy...Mommy..."

I was a little annoyed. Couldn't he just enjoy the moment and fall asleep? Do we have to have questions, or discussions or arguments right now?

"What Son?"

"Mommy...can you sing it two more times?"

"Yes Son. Do you like this song?"

"Yeah, I like dis song. You sing dis song like Belle. So pretty Mommy."

Guilt set in for feeling so annoyed. Thankfulness set in for God helping me keep my cool and showing me what my little boy needed. I sang Silent Night two more times and then tucked Son into bed. 

I have since had the same scenario happen a couple times. Son goes into hysteria at bed or nap time. Demons take over. I pull out Silent Night in my best Belle voice and demons run for the hills. 

I would highly recommend this technique to any religious leader with a sticky demon possession situation or any mother with a sleep demon lingering.

 One or two refrains of Silent Night (using a Belle voice) and your insane child is out. 

You can all thank me later. ;-)

Exhausted

We've all felt it; those sandpaper eyes, body aching, clumsy stepping, nonsense mumbling feeling that encompasses being exhausted. We've all stayed up too late for whatever reason, pushing ourselves too hard our just enjoying life too much; we've had days that just drained every last ounce of energy from our veins or we've had situations that leeched the life from us and left us so weary we wondered if we could pick ourselves back up again. We've all been completely and utterly exhausted.

When I was in high school I would often stay up working on projects I had saved for the night before, frantically searching for images of the solar system to paste to my poster board and staring at a computer screen so long my retinas were temporarily seared. I also stayed up on the weekends to spend the night at girlfriends' houses, talking long into the night about that hunk of a football player all the girls were after, analyzing every word of every song Three Doors Down ever made, and flipping through issue upon issue of Seventeen to find the perfect prom dress or find out if my crush liked me based on my definitive answers to the randomly selected multiple choice questions.

In college things didn't get much better. I would stay up again for projects I had procrastinated, however these were often much longer, much more detailed and much more important, only adding to the pressure I felt to greet the sun with my ninth cup of coffee. Speaking of coffee, I also worked at a coffee shop and had to be there by four in the morning, leaving very little time to sleep anyway. When I wasn't staying up all night and day working and going to school, I was spending time with friends, going to midnight movie premiers or 3 am trips to the beach. Sleep was a convenience, and I wasn't looking for convenience.

Then on to motherhood. Ahem, pregnancy rang in this bell. I had no sooner started to finally have people ask me when I was expecting my little bundle when my little bundle became more like a hippopotamus in my bed! I couldn't get out of my own way! I took up too much room and therefore, there wasn't enough room for me; even if I tried to roll over, somehow sweet little bundle of hippo got there first making it impossible to sleep comfortably if at all. Then the bundle became a gorgeous little baby. A beautiful, screaming, eating, pooping, burping, clinging, frantic, little baby. I thought I would be fine considering all the all-nighters I had pulled in my life, but I was definitely shocked when faced with the reality of how very little babies sleep. Sleeping like a baby??? Qué??!

I told myself that toddlers sleep through the night so as soon as I hit that point, I'm home free! My hopes were dashed last night (among others) when Daughter woke up at 4 am insisting that she needed to wear a princess dress and princess shoes and make sure it was still dark outside before going back to sleep. Ehhh.

So you would think exhaustion wouldn't be an issue for me, and for the most part, I deal with physical exhaustion well, with the exception of the times it really catches up to me and slaps me across the face.

However, I am having a hard time adjusting to a different type of exhaustion. I have learned that emotional and mental exhaustion is a territory that is uncharted and unforgiving. And I am so exhausted inside.

I am tired of trying to everything to everyone. I am exhausted from trying to fulfill everyone's needs, to please everyone around me, to be who everyone wants or needs me to be. I find myself constantly pushing aside what is truly important to me; what I truly need, what I want, what is good for myself and for my family in order to please people around me or be there for them. I'm not talking about having an issue with being what my family needs me to be (although wonder woman is a rather intimidating role) or being there to help out close friends when they need someone or something. I love to have people in my life and I love to show them how special and valuable they are to me.

I am talking about just trying to meet "peoples'" expectations, their standards. I am talking about the times when I find myself feeling down, guilty or apologizing for qualities, traits and interests that make me who I am. These things make me the person that people like or dislike. I am exhausted by trying to make sure everyone likes me; and I don't do this because I feel that I need that huge of a network (I have Verizon anyway, so I apparently don't need very many more people), but because there is some fiber in my being, something wired into my makeup that makes me loathe disappointing people. Anyone. I shudder when I know that I've disappointed my Father and thinking about the many more times in my life when I will. I hate disappointing my family, of course. I hate disappointing my friends. I hate disappointing my boss at work, which is weird, because I really am not the biggest fan anyway, so you would think I wouldn't mind. But I do! I hate disappointing those people in the mall that try to curl/straighten your hair or put some insanely magical lotion on your hands. I hate disappointing the drive-thru people when they ask me to upsize my meal so that I can leave with 186 oz of ice tea instead of the standard 24 oz. I hate when people disagree with me because I am afraid they are disappointed in me. I even find myself apologizing to the man in the car that just cut me off so badly I had to slam on my brakes and there is now a four car pile-up behind me and I am pulled off in the ditch. Really, I wave sorry before I even think about using the horn. Why am I like this??

I don't know the answer to that, but I have been learning a lot of lessons lately. I have been learning that I am who I am. It sounds so simple, but it really is a hard thing for me to wrap my brain around. I have learned that when I let other people tell me who I should be or steer me down a path I have not chosen for myself, that I am really showing very little respect and pride for myself. We cannot look to the people around us as mirrors because they are clouded. The only true reflection we should look to is our Father, for His mirror is clear and clean. He not only shows us exactly who we are, which is who He created us to be, but He teaches us to love and accept ourselves that way. And if we are constantly beating ourselves up or trying to change or apologizing for who we are then we are insulting our maker.

Of course, we are not the same person we were the day we were born, the day we graduated or even the person we were one year ago. We naturally change with the different influences and experiences that are put in out lives. However, we can change gracefully and positively if we are keeping our compass focused on Him. I think change is a wonderful thing that we all need to accept and embrace; as long as we are not changing our hard-wired makeup: our values, morals and standards for ourselves, we should be walking into new days and experiences with our heads held high, knowing that through life we are molded into the best possible person we can be. I am slowly but surely learning to accept that and love it.

I am tired of being exhausted because I am draining myself trying to be what everyone else hopes and wants me to be. I need to be who and what I am for myself and my family. I will learn to accept this with pride and joy and not apologize for who I am. We are "fearfully and wonderfully made...I know that full well." David shows us this lesson in Psalm 139:14. I think that if I take this lesson and make it my own, I will draw people to me who genuinely love me for me. People who will never dream of making me feel badly for the person I am or the things I like or how I am; but people who will love me for that. These people are the ones that deserve special places in your life; they will receive and welcome the differences and similarities and respect you for being true to yourself. 

I am proud of who God has made me and although I know that He will continue to change and mold me as I continue down this journey, I can rest (and stop being exhausted) knowing that I am who He made me to be. Not only is this an important lesson for me to hold near but it is an important lesson for me to live boldly and teach my children as well.

About me...Ten months ago

I saw this on a friend's blog and thought it would be fun. Here's a post all about myself, just a few things. Well fifty, to be exact, that you may or may not already know. Feel free to skip. I don't blame you. I'm not the most terribly interesting person.

1. My mom made up my name. De'Bran. She has a thing with unique names. My sister is Chantel Zorana. I hated it growing up and have learned to embrace it as an adult.
2. I have one younger sister. She is four and a half years younger. We could not be more different.
3. I love to travel; airports, hotels, rental cars, roadtrips, eating at new places, luggage, packing, unpacking, everything. I have been to Alaska, Washington, Oregon, Utah, Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, Mexico, Australia and the Netherlands and absolutely cannot wait to travel again someday.
4. I love to write. I also love English and grammar and have recently come to terms with myself as a grammar and spelling Natzi. Not that I am without error, but I know I have an issue. I always wanted to be a writer and was advised by several teachers throughout school and college that I should write, but I dabbled in other studies for other reasons. That's another story.
5. I love the idea of primping with makeup and hair color and nice outfits and I often go through phases of trying very hard to spruce myself up, but the truth of the matter is I am just too lazy and would rather spend my time and money on other things. Poor Kenny.
6. I moved out when I was 19. Well technically, my parents moved out and I stayed behind. I made them think I had a place to live and did not and when they left I had $200, a loaded down car and a packed storage unit. I seriously considered staying in my storage unit but the hours it was open didn't work with my work schedule.
That's an entirely different story that I could write a post for. Should I?
7. I've had my heart broken only once and learned to love again so deeply it hurts, but in a very good way.
8. I always wanted four kids, very close together. Now I have three kids very close together and I think I may be done. ;-)
*** Well we all know that didn't last ;)***
9. I don't know my father. Another story.
10. I have an amazing dad.
11. I talk to my mom a few times a week. She's one of my best friends.
12. My sister and I just recently have started to get along. It was a long and rocky road to being able to talk without yelling.
13. I hated Hubby when I met him. I called my mom and told her my boss needed serious prayer.
14. She hated Hubby when she met him and of course, by that time, I did not hate him any more. She hated him for a long time. Another story. I should take a poll...which story are you all most interested to hear?
15. I was always raised knowing and learning about God, but truly became saved in high school, when I was fifteen.
16. I was once told I couldn't have children.
17. I switched doctors.
18. I participated in a pregnant bikini contest. Yes, yes I did. Another story. lol
19. I love to read. I'll read anything: books, magazines, textbooks. I like things based on real events or based in reality. I don't do science fiction or fantasy. Same goes with movies and TV shows. Although, I do love tall tales, fables, and fairy tales. I guess those usually have a good lesson to go along with the ridiculous story.
20. I'm a carrier for cystic fibrosis.
21. I have very bad asthma.
22. I played piano, saxophone, clarinet, flute and dabbled with the trumpet, French horn and trombone.
23. Being in an orchestra to record soundtracks for movies and/or play concerts would have been my dream job, besides being a mommy of course.
24. My favorite color is green.
25. My favorite movies are Moulin Rouge, A River Runs Through It, My Fair Lady and Legends of the Fall.
26. I would like to have a little bit of land somewhere much more rural than here and have horses.
27. I used to ride a few times a week.
28. I've always had a thing for all things ranch and cowboy.
29. I really, really do not like bugs. Especially ants.
30. I don't like birds as pets.
31. I am extremely allergic to cats and take allergy medication before I go to certain people's houses and always take an extra emergency inhaler, just in case. I have forgotten and had to leave unable to speak because I could barely breath.
32. I am somewhat lactose intolerant. It comes and goes.
***I've since stopped eating almost all dairy, so now I don't have any issues with it :)***
33. I once had 21 units in college.
34. I love school and cannot wait to go back. I never finished college and wish I had daily.
35. I scored the exact same number on my SAT's both times I took them.
***Update: When I was in high school, I scored very high on my SAT's and have been very proud of those scores ever since. Until the other day when my neighbor's son explained to me that the scoring is different now and every time I "brag" about my scores, they are truly laughable. Phfff...***
36. My favorite job I ever had was working at a coffee shop.
37. Hubby and I were married in Vegas. I was five months pregnant. My wedding dress was $40. Classy ;)
38. I've been accused of having an eating disorder.
39. I once went in a coyote den and saw pups. We ran.
40. I am a fairly laid back person, but I do tend to be sensitive. It is a blessing and a curse.
41. I do not believe in aliens, but Hubby is not so sure. It makes for very interesting conversations.
42. I am obsessed with Christmas, and love all other holidays. Well, not Valentine's day. I only like it for the kids.
43. I drive a Toyota Sienna and I love it.
44. I adore Garth Brooks. Really, really adore him. One of his band members rubbed my belly when I was pregnant with Son.
45. I love to blog, but refuse to feel obligated to it. That is my explanation for any extended absences from blog world.
46. I have never been away from my kids overnight, except to have another baby.
***Update: We did have our first overnight date in February, this year. So this isn't true. Although the next time I'm away from my kids overnight, will probably be to have another baby. lol***
47. I had a miscarriage and still find myself very sad about it. That baby would be two this month.
48. My favorite scripture is Exodus 14:14. It says (NIV) "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still."
49. I love to cook and bake. Especially the latter.
50. I needed a signed permission slip from my parents to participate in a class activity in college. Second semester.

Well, there you have it. Fifty silly and useless things to know about me. :)