Good ol' Fashioned Ramble

It's been a long time coming.

This ramble.

Sometimes there's just too many thoughts 

that don't fit together

and nothing else can result

but a good ol' fashioned ramble.

So here it is.

And just because I want to show you how extremely

organized

and "on top of it" I am,

I decided to throw in pictures from the last two or three

months. That way I get caught up on family photos and ramble at the same time.

Multi-tasking at it's finest.

So watch out...

this will be long, 

outdated,

and nonsensical.

Hubby crafting...how cute is that, huh?

So I realized something.

I have control issues.

I think.

I never really thought I did.

But I do.

You see, I seriously flip a lid when Hubby tries to 

do housework

or discipline the kids.

First, I take it as a personal attack right away.

I feel like it means I'm not doing my job

as a homemaker well enough.

I'm afraid it's a sign that I'm being lazy

or unwise with my time.

I'm afraid that he thinks

our kids are out of control.

I'm afraid that he thinks he can do better than I.

When did it become a competition??!

It's not!

We're a team.

I should be so glad for his help.

But it doesn't feel like help.

It feels like he has to because I can't.

Or didn't.

We had a big discussion about all this the other night

when I stepped in and took over

when he was trying to discipline.

Why did I do that?

I don't know. 

I feel like I only get one chance.

You know??

This is it.

And it's not that I don't trust Hubby.

I do.

He's awesome and he loves the kids dearly.

He's kind and loving towards the kids

and they worship the ground he walks on,

In fact, I could safely say

that I probably lose it more than him.

And I'm the more patient one.

So what's that saying?

Hubby had a rough childhood.

He doesn't really admit that and absolutely

will not use that as any sort of explanation

for any short fuses or frustration.

But I do.

I don't agree with the way he was raised

and maybe I'm just afraid that some of those 

same things will show up in his parenting.

They haven't yet.

But sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting.

Like there's no way such a good parent could have come

from such a...well...not good setting.

Not much of a crafter yet, so we locked him outside 

So I always justify my actions with the fact that I'm with them all day. I read the books,

talk to the ped.

I ask questions.

I just know more and do more of the parenting

so leave it to me.

But then I realized

the other night

when I stepped in

and made my husband feel

like he cannot 

be our child's dad

without my approval,

I realized it has nothing to do

with my storehouse of parenting

book knowledge.

It has to do with control.

Why can't I give it up?

And then I thought...

wow, these aren't even MY children.

God gave them to me

AND to Hubby.

So not only am I robbing myself of a partner in this whole

parenting biz,

AND

robbing my husband of the chance to 

BE

a wonderful father,

but I am also not trusting in God.

If I won't let Hubby be the parent that GOD

thought he could be

then I am willing to bet

that I haven't given over my parental rights to God as well.

So now that I realize that it's more about control for me

rather than actually being concerned

about it being done right the first time,

I am trying.

Hard.

Trying hard to let go.

And give.

Because it's not really even mine.

It's not my control to take.

Our "Boo" tree

As far as my issues with the housework...

I don't really know about that one.

I'm NOT a clean freak.

I don't have to have things done a certain way.

I like things neat, organized, put away...

but they rarely are.

I can handle a level of chaos.

No problem.

I like things to be manageable

but I don't want to live in a model home.

I lived in one growing up.

Really.

My mom has an undiagnosed form of OCD. 

We're positive.

She's gotten slightly better as she's been older

but 

Mmmm...love the flavors and scents this time of year

she's still far "worse" than most people I know.

So now that I'm an adult, I refuse to let

myself or my kids become slaves to keeping everything perfect.

But I also HAVE to do it all myself.

My mom used to get so frustrated if

we weren't helping enough,

or with the right jobs, the right way.

If she was cleaning, 

you better be cleaning.

If something needed to be done,

she didn't want to ask anyone

she wanted everyone to know.

So now, if Hubby comes home and

tries to help with housework

I lose it.

Amazing, huh?

And not because I don't appreciate the help

I do.

I try to anyway.

I just feel like if Hubby is doing it,

then it's because I didn't.

If I had already had it done, then

he wouldn't have to.

Twisted huh?

So every gesture to help out or pitch in

just ends up feeling like an insult.

Ugh...

I've got some serious issues to work out.

Okay...that's all for now.

:)