Tuesday, December 13

Good ol' Fashioned Ramble

It's been a long time coming.
This ramble.
Sometimes there's just too many thoughts 
that don't fit together
and nothing else can result
but a good ol' fashioned ramble.
So here it is.
And just because I want to show you how extremely
and "on top of it" I am,
I decided to throw in pictures from the last two or three
months. That way I get caught up on family photos and ramble at the same time.
Multi-tasking at it's finest.
So watch out...
this will be long, 
and nonsensical.

Hubby crafting...how cute is that, huh?
So I realized something.
I have control issues.
I think.
I never really thought I did.
But I do.
You see, I seriously flip a lid when Hubby tries to 
do housework
or discipline the kids.
First, I take it as a personal attack right away.
I feel like it means I'm not doing my job
as a homemaker well enough.

I'm afraid it's a sign that I'm being lazy
or unwise with my time.
I'm afraid that he thinks
our kids are out of control.
I'm afraid that he thinks he can do better than I.
When did it become a competition??!
It's not!
We're a team.
I should be so glad for his help.
But it doesn't feel like help.
It feels like he has to because I can't.
Or didn't.
We had a big discussion about all this the other night
when I stepped in and took over
when he was trying to discipline.
Why did I do that?
I don't know. 
I feel like I only get one chance.
You know??
This is it.
And it's not that I don't trust Hubby.
I do.
He's awesome and he loves the kids dearly.
He's kind and loving towards the kids
and they worship the ground he walks on,
In fact, I could safely say
that I probably lose it more than him.
And I'm the more patient one.
So what's that saying?

Hubby had a rough childhood.
He doesn't really admit that and absolutely
will not use that as any sort of explanation
for any short fuses or frustration.
But I do.
I don't agree with the way he was raised
and maybe I'm just afraid that some of those 
same things will show up in his parenting.
They haven't yet.
But sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting.
Like there's no way such a good parent could have come
from such a...well...not good setting.

Not much of a crafter yet, so we locked him outside 
So I always justify my actions with the fact that I'm with them all day. I read the books,
talk to the ped.
I ask questions.
I just know more and do more of the parenting
so leave it to me.
But then I realized
the other night
when I stepped in
and made my husband feel
like he cannot 
be our child's dad
without my approval,
I realized it has nothing to do
with my storehouse of parenting
book knowledge.
It has to do with control.

Why can't I give it up?
And then I thought...
wow, these aren't even MY children.
God gave them to me
AND to Hubby.
So not only am I robbing myself of a partner in this whole
parenting biz,
robbing my husband of the chance to 
a wonderful father,
but I am also not trusting in God.
If I won't let Hubby be the parent that GOD
thought he could be
then I am willing to bet
that I haven't given over my parental rights to God as well.

So now that I realize that it's more about control for me
rather than actually being concerned
about it being done right the first time,
I am trying.
Trying hard to let go.
And give.
Because it's not really even mine.
It's not my control to take.
Our "Boo" tree

As far as my issues with the housework...
I don't really know about that one.
I'm NOT a clean freak.
I don't have to have things done a certain way.
I like things neat, organized, put away...
but they rarely are.
I can handle a level of chaos.
No problem.
I like things to be manageable
but I don't want to live in a model home.
I lived in one growing up.
My mom has an undiagnosed form of OCD. 
We're positive.
She's gotten slightly better as she's been older

Mmmm...love the flavors and scents this time of year
she's still far "worse" than most people I know.
So now that I'm an adult, I refuse to let
myself or my kids become slaves to keeping everything perfect.
But I also HAVE to do it all myself.
My mom used to get so frustrated if
we weren't helping enough,
or with the right jobs, the right way.
If she was cleaning, 
you better be cleaning.
If something needed to be done,
she didn't want to ask anyone
she wanted everyone to know.
So now, if Hubby comes home and
tries to help with housework
I lose it.
Amazing, huh?

And not because I don't appreciate the help
I do.
I try to anyway.
I just feel like if Hubby is doing it,
then it's because I didn't.
If I had already had it done, then
he wouldn't have to.
Twisted huh?
So every gesture to help out or pitch in
just ends up feeling like an insult.
I've got some serious issues to work out.

Okay...that's all for now.

1 comment:

  1. these are both two things that I had problems with too and one day I just realized I needed to let it go. Turns out that my husband is great at being a daddy. He just parents different than I do, but it still works....so the job is done and I am happy with that. Same thing with the housework. He doesn't do it the same as I do but it still gets done. I just realized that every one goes about things their own way and I need to accept it!



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