I'm writing this on Thursday, May 26, 2011.
I'm not publishing it yet. I don't know when I will.
It's a big secret. Only Hubby and I know.
We don't know when we'll share.
For now it's kinda fun having it be just for us.
Now it's May 28, 2011.
I hate Saturdays.
But that too is changing, thanks to my little journey and how God just will NOT get out of my brain lately.
So today I babysat a friend's daughter all day. Twelve hours. She's just a little younger than son. Today I had four kids all day long.
Today was absolutely no more difficult than any other day when I just have my three. I would venture to say that there were even a handful of moments that were easier.
Good to know.
Because there's a new little baby growing in my belly.
Why am I cringing? Because this is crazy? Because I already lose my marbles with three? Because I just started being able to sleep well again? Because what was I thinking? Because we aren't made of money? Because we won't get away on a little vacay for a while longer still?!
I'm cringing because I'm afraid that all of YOU are going to ask me all of THAT with that shocked look on your faces that I know you all have.
So I'm just going to head it all off the best I can.
I know babies cost money and we aren't swimming in the stuff over here, but we are able to comfortably provide for our family and we do have an awful lot of love to give out.
We both know how babies are made, and apparently are pretty good at it.
I do lose my marbles with my three, but do not think that it is cruel to subject another little human to my issues. I will be subjected to theirs just as much and I'll love the little bugger enough to make up for it.
Yes, I gave away all our baby stuff when I was positive we were done after Baby, but ah well. Babies don't really need as much as we think. I just need to buy some more cloth diapers and a baby car seat. God always provides.
I've never slept better than those first few weeks of sleeping beside my tiny, new babies, taking in their sweet smell, holding them close, warm and snugly, eager to wake to their round, tiny face in the morning.
I was thinking that I was made to be a mother and I've still got some love lying around. ;)
And Hubby told me that we are doing exactly what we want to be doing right now, so no need for a vacay. All the mountains, islands and Europe will still be there later on. Well, maybe not all the islands.
Truth is, I always pictured myself with four kids. And with each child, Hubby loves the whole deal more and more. We don't have a lot of family, no cousins, very inactive or distant Aunts and Uncles, etc. So we are making our own family. Our own little people. A lot of them, we know.
The truth is, when we really sat and thought about it, we just still felt like someone was missing.
We love our family and are so thankful that God has blessed us with another little one.
So here's the details. I found out on May 26th about ten in the morning. It wasn't entirely an accident and wasn't entirely planned. Well actually, it was entirely planned by SOMEONE. ;) I think I am about four weeks along at the time of writing this. I think my due date will be the end of January. Yeah...along with mine and Baby's birthdays. We'll be able to save money and have combined parties!! YAY! I go to the Doctor in June and am SO excited about that! Everyone knows how much I LOVE my Doctor. She's awesome. I want to be her friend. Like go get coffee, ya know? Maybe I'll ask her this time. Anyway, can't wait to go see my baby, hear the heart beating so quickly. I can't wait. I am so excited. Hubby is too. He told me. He doesn't usually say stuff like that. "I'm excited." Those words don't really come out of his mouth. It's usually 'Cool.' But he actually said "I'm excited." Big deal here folks.
So today is June 29. I went to my Dr yesterday. Man I love her. Our jelly bean is doing great. And there's only one Jelly Bean, which is a blessing. ;) Not that two jelly beans would NOT be a blessing, just that One Jelly Bean is plenty for us. Everything looked great and Jelly Bean's heart was strong and loud. That moment is so surreal. Such an incredible moment... when love is unveiled. When adoration unfolds. That moment when a momma sees her little person being formed, when the heart beats loud to confirm all the hopes and excitement that's been growing. When eyes are filled with hot tears and mouths stretch into joy-filled grins... in that exact moment a wave of love pours over momma's body, soul, heart. At that moment, there is no turning it off or ignoring it. That's the moment when I feel like I first meet my baby. It's overwhelming and exciting.
I still cannot believe that God has trusted me to raise and love so many of His precious little ones. I constantly wonder what if, no what about WHEN I mess up? What about when I yell? What about when I lose my temper? What about when I ignore them? What about when I don't teach them something I should have? Doesn't God know that this will all inevitably take place? He does. But He must be there in that moment, when the love pours out and the tears of joy flow. He must be there to see that the joy is abundant. That I am not perfect, but that I love. I love fast and without hesitation. That I love deep to the furthest corners of my heart and soul. That I love hard until it hurts and my soul aches.
I'm not a perfect momma. I have so much work to do. I am not the best candidate to raise children. They will not grow up privileged or sent to the best schools. They will not see exotic places on family vacations. They will not have shiny new car keys wrapped in ribbons on their 16th birthday. Their momma and daddy do not have shiny plaques on the wall boasting our achievements and accomplishments.
However, I am the best momma to raise the children God has given me.
Because I have so much love to share. My children will never doubt the depth and breadth of my fondness for them. They will never wander with nowhere to go. They will never feel alone, not truly alone. I can give them that.
I am terrified to share the news with family and friends. When we were expecting number three we had a lot of people share their disapproving comments. But you know, we don't ask for help. We do it all on our own and are doing just fine. Our children are healthy and happy and love having one another. So we cannot see one negative thing about welcoming another little person into our family. We have five hearts that are wide open and waiting, ready to hold and love and take care of our newest child. We cannot be more thrilled.
Children are a blessing from the Lord and we cannot wait to share this blessing with all of you. So now, feel free to say whatever you must. ;)