Remember

I can't believe how quickly time passes. How fast it really goes. Things that really felt were just days ago, have grown into old memories.

I recently heard a song and it took me back to a place I can remember so vividly. I remember everything from that time, sights, things I said and did, smells, but more than all that, this song brought back the exact way I felt so many years ago. It wasn't the first time it's happened, heck, I couldn't even count how many times I've visited my past. However, this time, as I sat outside watching my children play, feeling the cool whisper of the breezes on my cheek, gazing into the forever blue sky, I found myself struggling to grasp it all. Beginning to go over the what-ifs, reliving moments, asking myself what if I had done or said something different, or tried harder at something. And then another question posed itself: I asked myself where the sky ends.

I was suddenly overcome with God's awesomeness, His greatness. Those words that are so small for Him. I was struck by His boundlessness. His magnitude. Why can't I find a word large enough, great enough, magnificent enough to describe this attribute of my Creator? Answers that don't come to me...but I just can't.

As I sat and pondered the expanse of the sky, I closed my eyes and imagined the skies that I had seen recently in Oklahoma and in Montana, long ago. Those skies stretched even further than the one before me and they were more blue than the sea. And I thought, Jesus knows what He's doing. He knows what He's done. And I can wonder and wish and dream all day, week after week, year after year, but it won't change what is. I am here, now. Heeding His calling on my life, trying to show my children how to love as He loves. Trying to show my Husband that Jesus is not just a big booming God, but something more, something deeper and personal. That Jesus loves him, is waiting for him, desires to be with him.

Sometimes, it's more than I can bear. Sometimes fighting back those stinging tears takes all I have in me. But tonight, as I remember, wonder, ponder, I am filled with a peace. A peace that can only come from knowing that Jesus is orchestrating it all, that He knows my heart and desires me to be filled with joy. And I am. I am more joyful right now than this morning, because I am sitting, quiet, dwelling on the mightiness of my Savior, and trusting that I am following His will. I am trusting that my past, my mistakes, the times that I relive, the moments I always go back to, the magical ones, the terrifying ones...I am trusting that all those moments, though they sometimes haunt me, grip me and try to keep me from being present, that those moments are all notes on this masterpiece Jesus is composing. It isn't done, and I don't have to understand it. I don't understand it. But He is working on it and I just have to believe that when He is done, one will sit quiet, and listen to this piece, filled with notes that are high and low, sharps and flats, some will be played chipper and some will be dreary, but altogether the piece will be lovely.

I am trusting, God.
I am trying.
I am believing.