Quiet. The house is quiet, only the sounds of an occasional car driving by the front, the breathing of the dogs as they sleep at my feet, my hook moving in and out, turning and creating stiches, working together to create something lovely.
The only deliberate noises are the melodies of the worship music coming through the speakers on my computer as I crochet. All day I've been looking forward to these moments. These quiet minutes that I sit alone, praying, breathing, crafting. Except I didn't expect what the next sounds I would hear would be.
Pandora plays a new vocalist, well new to me. Britt Nicole. I've never heard her, so I turn it up just a bit and listen for a few seconds to decide if I will vote thumbs up or down.
"...stole your smile and left you cryin'. It's not your fault, but shame is all you got now."
I stop short and click to see the full lyrics. My ears are tuned in more intently now and I feel a nudge.
This is for me.
I argue, no, it's not really completely for me. Because it IS my fault. At least, partly. So this song isn't for me. This moment wasn't orchestrated.
I listen further.
"Your heart is tangled up in silence..."
Truly. Tangled in silence for many years.
"I know it's easier to hide, but you gotta let go and see the light."
Easier to hide, but feels like war at the same time. A constant conflict. What light? There will be no light. No point. Nothing good will come. It's been too long. It makes no sense.
"So many years of quiet, building up like a fire inside. You're feeling like you gotta let it out now. Just let it out."
Jaw drops...it has been years. Why would this song say how long this person has been hiding this pain? Heavy, a burning weight on heart, soul. Draining. Let it out. I want to. I want to scream it from the top of a mountain sometimes. But why? What good would it do? I don't want attention, pity, judgement. I feel scared. Alone.
I thought it would go away. It did at first. Not anymore. It's only worse. Every day...harder. Painful. But it makes no sense. I'm scared.
"You're locked inside of all this fear, inside your crying out, your mind's at war...brave, brave, waters all around you, I'll stay. I'll keep you from sinking down."
Okay. This is for me. This is my moment.
This was orchestrated.
I'm still scared.