I'm on a little journey. I'm growing. God is cutting me down in places that need to be removed so that I may bloom in others.
It is hard.
Sometimes I feel there is no end in sight.
Sometimes I cannot focus on anything else.
Sometimes I just want to get there already.
But it's been amazing.
The moments here and there of communion, of seeing God have been well worth it.
I am trying to grasp at joy and grace, to live my life in God's presence.
To be an obvious example of His light.
One thing I am stuck on lately is how to turn my ordinary and even sorrowful moments into those filled with joy and His glory.
I don't understand why I just cannot seem to stay in that spot, at His feet, covering my face from His. And then I feel that I should not be sorrowful or mourning when I am blessed with so very much. I feel that I should not dwell on my sin, my bitterness...when will that become joy?
Why am I so depraved, that in the very same breath I can praise God and then curse my children?
How is it possible that I may catch a glimpse of His glory, be stopped in my tracks and then go right on living for this very moment rather than eternity?
I am so broken.
I am so hurt.
I feel like I'm treading water at best; drowning, desperately grasping for air at worst.
I was reading the Beatitudes this morning. I stopped short when I read Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."
I've always assumed this is talking about mourning something like death, bereavement. And because of that I've always thought it was a little odd that it was in this section of verses that are describing characteristics that are found in a person of God.
I looked at the notes I had in my Bible, likely from youth group studies years ago. There was a side note, a cross-reference to Isaiah 61:2 "To announce the year when the Lord will show His favor, the day when our God will seek vengeance, to console all who mourn."
When you read the verses before and after verse 2, you see that they are talking about Israel's sin and the judgement that will come upon them. Then the verses tell us about the deliverance of Israel and the comfort that will come to those who see their sin. Those who acknowledge it, who are sorry for their sin, who MOURN their sin.
So I wonder, in Matthew 5, perhaps he is saying that those who mourn are blessed for they will be comforted but meaning that those who mourn their own sin, who grieve the depravity of mankind, who grieve the gap that is between our sin and His perfect grace...those people are blessed because God will take that mourning, that sorrowful heart and fill it or replace it with joy, absolutely comforting them.
God looks at this mourning, when we are in pain over our sinful state, with love and joy and reaches His hand to ease our pain and give us joy.
When we are crying out, loathing ourselves, it amplifies His glory and perfect grace.
If we do not feel this anguish over sin, it could be a dangerous spot to be, our self-righteousness exposed. If I do not have that hunger, that empty aching, the deep sorrow and sadness, knowing that I am not serving God to my best, then I must think that I am doing just fine.
That I am good enough, doing enough, being enough, righteous enough. And if I think that I am good or righteous in any regard of those words, then what do I need God for?
If I am not completely lost and in need of desperate salvation, then I take away from God's perfect righteousness. Then I question how much I truly believe that I need Him. All of Him.
So it is not wrong that I grieve, mourn over my heart, my pitiful attempts at being "good." My mourning reveals His light, His perfection, His grace. And in turn, He will bless me, replace my mourning with His joy.
So now I will try...
When I feel inadequate, I will rejoice.
When I feel sinful and guilty, I will praise.
When I mourn over the evil in my heart, He fills me with joy.
When I am wretched, He is perfect.
When the gap is more of a canyon, the depth and breadth of which causes anguish to try to comprehend, that's when He bestows His grace and bridges it.
I am nothing, yet He is everything.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.