My sweet Kaelyn,
You are growing and changing so fast. When I think of you, it's all I can think of...how quickly you are growing up. How big you are getting. How independent you are becoming. You started first grade a couple days ago. You were SO excited. Beaming both the first and the second day of school. Barely pausing to give your mom a hug goodbye. And when you have come home, you've been going a mile a minute retelling the adventures of the playground and the experiences in the class room. I have loved every minute of it. But sometimes, thinking about how quickly you're growing and how quickly you will continue to grow leaves me gasping for more. More time...I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me every once in a while when I think about where we'll be in six more years. The first six went so fast...I'm not ready for the next six to whiz by! I find myself pleading silently for everything to just stop and freeze! To have one more day to push you on the baby swings and go down the slide with you on my lap. One more hour to rock you to sleep and snuggle close. One more day to memorize that little baby face I miss so dearly.
And then....there was today. For some reason, out of nowhere, you turned in your independence and excitement for a nervous melancholy grip on my hand. As I walked you to your class I realized you weren't leading today, but rather pulling back just a bit. You were hesitant to hang your backpack outside your class and you didn't greet your friends with a big smile and hug like usual. Today you clung tightly to my side and when I bent to hug you and say goodbye, you pulled me close and wrapped yourself as tightly as you could around me. I looked into those sweet eyes as they filled with tears and I asked you what was wrong. You just kept saying "I just want to be with you, I just want you to stay." I kissed your pretty freckled cheeks, tasting the saltiness from your tears, and rubbed your back. I held you close and as I looked at your sad face, I was secretly thankful. I took it all in...each freckle, the beautiful stray auburn strands of hair, your lashes sticking together from crying, your shoulders sun kissed just a bit, your little nose and pink lips. And I thanked Jesus for giving me that glimpse of little Kaelyn. Of little six year old Kaelyn...not big six year old girl, but the little one who still needs her momma, not her mom sometimes. The little girl who is still nervous and afraid, who is still reassured by her momma's touch on her shoulders. The little girl who forgets that all her friends are watching and jumps into my lap as I kneel on the sidewalk. I miss that little girl sometimes...and as sad as I am to see you crying and sad, I am so thankful that you're still little. That you still need me. I am so thankful that God and YOU reminded me that my little freckled red head baby is still in there...my sweet baby Kaelyn.
I hope you have a wonderful day today. I hope you didn't stay sad and I truly hope that you were having so much fun you forgot to miss me. But I thank you for reminding me that really, you are still so little. You can be SO big later. Today, and maybe tomorrow too, you are just my little Kaelyn.