Oklahoma-Day One

Warning: Long and picture heavy ;)

So strange. I’ve done it a million times and loved it each and every time. 

Never been afraid. 

Never anxious. 

This time was different. 

Naturally it was pretty chaotic, not as bad as I had expected, but a little hairy nonetheless. However, that wasn’t the part that was so alarming. I planned for that. 

Everyone had their own backpack, each packed with favorite toys, a freezer bag filled with favorite snacks, water bottles and special blankets. Everyone was wearing easy slip on shoes to make the security check a little more smooth and I had carefully planed how I’d be herding my three small children, four carry-ons, two strollers and a car seat through the airports on my own. 

People seemed extra friendly, the kids were extra cooperative and I was saying a few extra prayers. Smooth sailing.

We breezed through our check in, security check, and boarding. 

Heading straight to the back and getting settled, we lucked out with ONE extra seat on the first flight so that Baby didn’t have to sit on my lap. 

As we all buckled in and put our bags under our seats, I answered all the questions my little children’s curious minds could muster. 

What is this airplane called?

Why are the wings shaped like that?

What’s that sound?

Where’s the engine?

What does the pilot do?

What are those lights for?

Where’s the potty?

How does it stay in the air?

Why is the airplane in this little book swimming? 

(uhh...not sure dear, we’ll think about that later)

The questions went on and on and I found myself really appreciating growing up with a father who worked in aerospace and had taught my sister and I quite a lot.

(This video is of Daughter and Son during our second take-off. The first time they were completely silent and staring out the windows with their mouths open. This time they were quite giddy)

During the taxi down the runway, the excitement in my children’s eyes was amazing. 

They were filled with anticipation. 

As we started down the runway going faster and faster and then finally 

pointing the nose of our 737 upward and lifting up off the ground, 

their awe and wonder was incredible. 

I loved every second of it. 

And then as I took my eyes off their cute little faces, 

and looked out my own window, that feeling hit.

 The one I hadn’t expected. 

I became incredibly nervous. 

It was a smooth takeoff and I still found myself gripping the armrests.

 Then we hit just a few bumps as we climbed to our cruising altitude,

 one that got to my stomach just a bit. 

You know that feeling when you hit a little drop on a roller coaster?

 It was like that.

 And in that instant, my stomach sank, my heart started pounding, 

I felt hot tears stinging my eyelids and I couldn’t help but feel a little panic.

 I looked at all my kids quickly, so trusting and confident. 

They weren’t nervous or afraid. 

And before this moment, I had never felt that way about flying either.

 But right then, all I could think was how I was responsible for these three little lives and how helpless I really was way up here. 

I couldn’t truly protect them. 

And with those concerns, how could I keep my worries at bay?

 I softly sang to myself “It is well,” knowing that we were all in my Maker’s hands 

and there was no safer place to be. 

But the feeling was so unexpected, unanticipated and overwhelming.

 How much having children affects every aspect of your life is amazing.

 I wondered why I hadn’t been warned about this and then thought I must be the only mother in the world to feel this panic, not over flying, for that I loved. 

But rather the panic of flying with children and the fear of the haunting 

“what if’s” that kept ringing in my ears. 

Then I thought that perhaps I’m not the only parent who has experienced this, but how exactly can you communicate these irrational thoughts and worries to someone who is not expecting them at all? Or someone who has not experienced them yet? 

We continued on our journey, flying through the sky, reaching for the heavens and floating above the clouds. Daughter, Son and Baby loved it, every moment of it. Daughter and Son were so well behaved and raked in the compliments from many of the other passengers aboard our flight. 

Baby gave the woman in front of him a complimentary in-flight massage for about forty-five minutes, which she so kindly pretended to enjoy. 

I only had to threaten the kids with the air Marshall a handful of times and I only bribed them with chocolate twice. Well, maybe three times, but who’s counting? ;)  

The pilots showed the kids all the controls, let them help program the route coordinates for the next flight (I hope they got where they thought they were headed) 

and kindly took extra time to answer all their questions. 

We were so blessed with such gracious people around us, so many lending helping hands and encouraging words. I couldn’t believe how good God was, going before and paving the way for our trip. We arrived safe and sound, though a little tired and really sick of sitting still, in Oklahoma, greeted by Poppa and Grandma-mother’s welcoming arms and bright smiles. 

We drove to their house, ran in a million circles excitedly, barely ate a bite of dinner and quickly crashed into our pillows that night. Our first day was a fabulous start to rest of the trip. And once again, I learned that I had and felt a new love, a different love for my children, one I hadn’t felt before. One that prompted such a fear, I could never forget it. 

We're Back!

We're back and so glad to be home! We really enjoyed our trip, the kids had an amazing time running amuck in the Oklahoma countryside. ;)

I will start posting about our trip this week, but I have 2000 pics to go through...yikes. Not to mention a pile of laundry, an empty fridge, a stack of bills and a million other things to catch up on. Man it's nuts how out of it you feel after just one week! Anyway, how was your week??

Discouraged

I had one of those weekends.

I've been so crazy busy that I've been running around with my notebook and pen, checking one thing off my list and adding two more all in one brushstroke. 

It's been tiresome. 

Saturday was kinda my peak day with these feelings and I ended up getting hardly anything done because I sat around in my pajamas feeling sorry for myself and snapping at my kids all day. 

Lovely. Yes. Would you like to be my friend? ;)

Well anyway, I went to church Sunday dragging my feet a little bit because I just felt so overwhelmed by the things I had to do that I felt like it was almost useless to worry about it because there was just no way I'd get it all done anyway.

I was feeling overwhelmed and angry. I was angry at myself for how snappy I had been with my kids lately. I mean really, how dare they beg for my attention, right? Blah. 

So here I go into church and what does Pastor Gary start talking about? 

Being discouraged. Oh good Lord. 

A message completely and totally directed at me.

I could feel eyes burning holes in my head like everyone was staring at me, knowing that this was my personal struggle this week. Or maybe it was just Jess in the nursing room behind me staring at my uneven hair-do through the one way glass. ;)

Either way, it felt like Pastor Gary had just pulled up a chair and taken me by the hand and said "Listen up. Be ye encouraged!"

Well, almost. 

I couldn't believe it! Here I was just complaining and griping and moaning, feeling discouraged, tired and overwhelmed and Pastor Gary tells us how being discouraged is really rather insulting to our God. 

God watches each of us and gives us no more than we can handle and tells us to simply trust Him. Me being discouraged just shows that I am looking in the mirror for strength and guidance and not to my Maker. It shows that I do not trust that He can handle it; that I think that perhaps things will go a little smoother if I just go ahead a take care of it. 

Discouragement is when we've lost confidence and enthusiasm. As someone who loves and tries to follow God, this only means that I've lost confidence or enthusiasm in my God. How insulting and awful for me to walk around with a frown on my face and my arms crossed basically telling the world that I worship a God but obviously don't have any faith or confidence in Him.

Abraham Lincoln said "Let no feeling of discouragement come upon you and in the end you are sure to succeed." 

God has told us to operate in faith and not in fear. Why? Because faith has its focus on what we do want to happen and fear has its focus on what we don't want to happen. 

If God is for me then who can be against me?

How could ANYthing discourage me? 

According to your faith let it be done to you! 

If I an constantly worrying about what I can't finish, what will never happen, what I can't do, then I am setting my destiny. I am choosing my path. My thoughts should be prayers to God for strength, wisdom and guidance. That He would remind me that with Him all things are possible and that He is there beside me every step that I'll allow. I must stop pushing Him away! I must stop trying to do things in my own strength. 

How arrogant of me and insulting to Him for me to say "No thank you, Lord. I got this." 

But yet you better believe when one of the kids keeps waking up at night, He's the first one I'm running to: "Lord PLEASE let these children sleep all night! PLEASE!"

I need to pray for a strong and unwavering faith in Him. 

Pastor Gary outlined ways to live a life of little discouragement. One of them was to unlimit our lives. He used an example of an ultra marathon runner named Dean Karnazes who ran a 100 mile race, a 200 mile race and then just for kicks ran as far as he could without stopping and ran 350 miles. He had bleeding feet and missing toenails on the 100 mile race. I don't even want to know what was missing and bleeding after the 350 mile race. Pastor Gary told this story with awe and a sense of admiration, pointing to Dean as an example of dreaming big and overcoming obstacles. 

I had a hard time seeing it that way. 

If body parts are falling off, I generally see that as communication from my body asking me nicelybegging profusely to stop the abuse. 

However, most people were shaking their heads in disbelief and absorbing 

all of the obstacle overcoming vibes.

So I tried to focus on that. 

And it's true. We do tend to put limits on ourselves. I mean, who can't run across a state or two without stopping for a snack or a nap? I may do that this weekend after I read the Sunday paper. 

Could be a nice little family outing. 

And we put limits on our lives and the people in our lives. 

And most of all, we put limits on our God. We tend to decided what's too much for Him. When in reality, Christ says we can do ALL things THROUGH Him. 

Not some things.

Not most things. 

Not some things if you are in really good shape. ;) 

ALL things.

He said Do not be discouraged nor dismayed because the Lord is with you wherever you go. 

He's with us at work. On the road. At home with our kids. 

When we're trying to potty train. 

When our four year old takes her brother's train for the 95th time that day. 

When the two year old throws a tantrum and the baby is cutting teeth at 3 in the morning. 

When our husbands are working long hours. 

When we need a break. When we need a cry. When we need a hug. He's there. 

Wanting to help us, to strengthen us, to encourage us.

I think most people listening to this message were thinking about bigger things. 

They were probably thinking about not being discouraged with life. Not giving up on marriage. Not quitting their job. Giving up bad habits. Making positive choices.

I just kept thinking about my kids. I just kept thinking that when I blow my lid at home and yell at my kids or throw my hands in the air and just give up on the day, that I'm giving up on my job, my role as their mother. And I'm letting them down, my husband down, myself down and letting God down.

I was thinking about when I yelled at them to talk nicely in the car and they yelled back for me to do the same. I was asking myself if I was showing them a godly woman, a mother who draws her strength from God? I was learning that when I only try to get strength and courage from myself that I'm really robbing my kids. If I just followed His commands to be strong and of good courage by looking to Him that I'd probably be a much better mother to my children. 

That they'd probably end up being much better adults and parents themselves someday. 

I want my children to look back and tell a story of their mother and what a strong woman she was. That she was this strong and courageous person because the 

Almighty was within her and she allowed Him to take the lead.

It was exactly the message I needed to hear. And this week is going much better.

I'm trying to remember to not be discouraged for I have my God before me, beside me and within me. 

And really, what could possibly get me down?

Broken and Sacrificed

The last few weeks of my life, hmm...I take that back, perhaps the last couple months, have truly been a whirlwind of emotions. Some of the reasons I feel quite validated being emotional over and some of the others I feel that I just need a good slap across the face. Nonetheless, the emotions, both good and bad, have definitely been there. 
I have been trying to get back to the roots of who I am...really trying to become the person I love. Honestly, as silly as it sounds, blogging has been a big part of this effort. I love to write and it is such an effortless and natural way for me to communicate and express myself. I started exercising again when Son was about six months old, but I wasn't exceptionally dedicated. After watching this season's Biggest Loser, I have really been feeling the tug to get up and get serious about my health. I know that my children look to me to be the example for them and how they should live their lives, and I want to make all the best choices possible. So, inspired by the Biggest Loser, I started trying to figure out an affordable and motivating way to get moving. Right around the same time, a couple friends mentioned the Disney half-marathon that they were participating in. After reading about it, I realized that the fees are a little out of my league this time around, especially considering that I am really not a seasoned runner and don't want to put so much $$ into it before I feel it is really "my thing." However, I am training with a couple friends who are doing it, and I am going to try my best to keep up and get in tip top shape! Woo hoo! I have already felt a surge of energy and just been in a better mood this week after only running three times! So I do feel really excited about that!
We have also started to go to church again. This was a huge burden on my heart. We were going pretty regularly until we moved in September. Our old churches were further than we wanted to drive and somehow, every Sunday there seemed to be a new excuse why we couldn't go. Well, this last Sunday, we finally stopped making excuses and went to church. We went to one that wasn't our top choice, but the service turned out to be great and the kids really enjoyed themselves. It was so exciting to see Daughter come out of her class and show me the craft she made and tell me all about what she did. Her age is so incredible right now; she is changing and growing up, literally right in front of my eyes. It is overwhelming!
So there you have it...life has been throwing quite a few curve balls lately and God has been teaching me to lean on Him and find the lesson through it all. I have learned to not only pray that God would reveal the lesson He wants me to learn, but to also show me how to use it. I have learned about envy, gossip and greed and how they can be poison to surrounding people and relationships. Through these situations I am learning to use those lessons to be a better person and to be the friend to others that I want in my life. 
Through blogging I have learned to be transparent and how much it is appreciated when you are honest and truthful about who you are; people are grateful to see that everyone else is having a bad hair day, has naughty children sometimes, or just wants to cry (or scream). It is a protective wall that we sometimes put up - but it is not our real lives. We do not bake cookies and make crafts every day and our children are not always smiling with pressed clothes and matching shoes. I think we all need to see the reality that is life and learn that it is nothing to be shameful of; it is an honesty than can help us lean on one another and learn from each other.
When I first was reading about the half marathon, I was disappointed that we wouldn't be able to afford the registration fee. I thought "I want a goal, a purpose; something to work towards, attain and complete." I felt pangs of jealousy and had to argue them back down. I was driving, running errands, and thinking about this, when I literally heard God tell me 
"Hush, you have a goal...reach it."
I knew right there that God wanted me to focus the devotion that I had building for the race on Him. I am already running a race and He desires that I am looking only to Him for purpose. Wow...I couldn't believe that I had let this disappointed feeling consume my heart, even for just the short time it did. I realized that it had taken my eyes away from my Lord, and that was unpleasing. I asked God to help guide me back to my path, to my race, and to help me run it with fervor and pride. I have His name on my chest and I will hold my head high and run for Him. My race right now is to focus on becoming the beacon that He created me to be. So now, when I run in the mornings with the girls (and my hollering young children), I am trying to focus on Jesus. I have been humming hymns and worship songs, admiring the splendor of the early morning, and praying for God to push me to the end. No really, that prayer is often overtaking the humming. And it is fair to say that the prayer has very quickly become a desperate plea for help or an ambulance. ;o) Still, it has been glorious. 
And my final lesson could very well be that slap across the face that I spoke of earlier. In church on Sunday, the Pastor read from Numbers 11. We went through the whole chapter, and let me tell you, if anyone ever says God has no sense of humor, this is the chapter to share. Anyway, for me, the entire impact of the chapter was summed up in the very first verse: Numbers 11:1 Now when the people complained, it displeased the Lord; for the Lord heard it and His anger was aroused. 
Wow, I always thought it was just a pet peeve of parents! But no, our complaining is displeasing to and angers the Lord! Just sit on that for a minute. Pastor Gary went on to explain quite a few points, one of which was that when we are discontent and complaining, it is a sign that we are far from God. Honestly, my eyes got a little misty when he said that. I have been complaining a lot lately, about anything and everything! I don't mean to and I really don't consider myself much of a complainer, which proved to me even more that it really is a sign of distance from the Lord. And doesn't that just make perfect sense? If God created us the way we are, down to our very fiber and number of hairs on our head, if He carefully chose and placed us in each situation in our lives and thoughtfully set us on the path He desired for us, how insulting and inconsiderate is it for us to be discontent with His decisions? 
That is really us questioning the Creator of the Universe, the Son of God, our Comforter, Advocate, our Faithful and True Deliverer, our King of Kings, Morning Star and Master. Our feelings of discontent are us being discontent with our Heavenly Father, the only One who has never had any other interest than our eternity and well-being in mind! How can we be discontent?? 
Pastor Gary challenged us to go one day without complaining about anything. Kenny and I are starting tomorrow. ;o) We said that yesterday and the day before, each day trying and failing. How wonderful that even with our discontentment, and even though I may drift, my Savior is still right where He has and will always be. Waiting for me with his arms wide open to hold me and accept me as I am and to help me be a better beacon for Him.
The past couple months have been filled with so many less than pleasant circumstances. The past couple months have broken me in so many ways. However, the Lord had lifted me up on His shoulders and is teaching me to give my life as a sacrifice. I did that when I was younger, and now I am learning to remit control to the One who deserves it all. I have been broken and sacrificed.

Today I...

Baked bread for the entire month from scratch. And I whistled while I did it.

Shampooed my carpets by hand, using cloths that I wove myself.

Taught my children long division and worked on their Hebrew.

Calmly sat down and discussed with my toddler why putting his baby brother in a choke-hold is not a "good choice." In the middle of the Wal-Mart parking lot. Then we held hands and sang a song while rubbing noses.

Made every person in my family their own favorite meal and felt happy and complete as they all ate every bite and complimented each other the entire time.

Whipped up a batch of homemade laundry detergent.

Sanitized every toy in the playroom and returned each to its proper and labeled home.

Ran five miles with my dogs. Uphill. Practicing Cesar Millan's world-renowned dog training techniques. Oozing pack leadership the entire way. Oh, and no, they do not have to be on leashes. They are so well-behaved.

Sent every one of my friends a hand-sewn satchel of love with a written note telling them how much I appreciate them.

Led an impromptu Bible study on the corner of my block, strumming a harp and singing "Kum-ba-yah."

Stroked my hubby's ego as soon as he walked in the door and then sat and watched the entire Star Wars series to show my complete and utter devotion.

Wait, you think I'm lying? That I'm making this all up? What??!!

You know me too well.

It went more like this:

Scooped up all the bread on the day old rack to cram in my freezer for the next month. I like to stay well stocked. Which is why, right before we went to the store, we had PB&J on saltines. Mmmm...    :o/

Moved my couch down a couple inches to cover a stain on the carpet. Just until I get a hold of a shampooer.

Gave my kids a preschool workbook, some markers and a couple pairs of safety scissors and told them to learn something. Just until I finished watching Oprah wiping down the counters.

Told my toddler that if he didn't let go of his brother, I'd personally take him down WWF style right here, right now. In the middle of the Wal-Mart parking lot. Then I told the lady staring at me to pull up a chair for front row seats.

Heated up leftovers for dinner and upon hearing the "Chili, agaaaiiin?!" whines, I said it doesn't count as leftovers if you didn't touch it the night before. Then I mentally zoned out and took myself somewhere far away and exotic as the screeching and food flinging ensued.

Added a little water to the tiny bit of laundry soap I had left so that I could at least wash my husband's work clothes. And no, he did NOT ask me to wash him so clothes because he had no clean ones left! That would be really terrible.

Tossed the toys in the play room at the end of the night. And actually, yes, I was completely satisfied as long as they were just inside the doorway. Sanitize? I'm not running a hospital here! ;)

Walked to the mailbox. All thirty feet. Slowly. Without kids. Definitely without dogs. Enjoying the quiet. I have no idea what either the kids OR the dogs were doing while I was outside. I DO know that when I go back both kids' bedding (ALL of it) was downstairs and my lemon tree in my backyard looks like a stick person in the ground. :(

Forgot to call a friend and my MIL back until it was too late. :o/ Sorry, guys.

Pondered whether I could consider looking at a craft blog with a Bible verse picture tutorial my devotion for the day. Thought God probably didn't think that was funny. Stopped blog hopping and did a devotion.

Scoffed at my hubby's television choice for the night. Ancient Aliens vs. Ellen?? No brainer!

All in all, I think it was a pretty nice day. Just a friendly reminder that this blog is not portraying a picture perfect mom, family or life. Rather, the story of me trying to be a mom, take care of my family and keep up with life. :)