Gifts 799-859

Helpful people strangers at airports

Amazing children

Daughter, getting so grown up and jumping at the chance to help mom

the aching in my heart saying goodbye to Hubby, even just for a week

smart packing 

wise planning

big hallways to run

snacks

the excitement of a child's "first" flight

meeting the kindest pilots

my stomach feeling sick during take off and turbulence for the first time ever

the eager and inquisitive minds of exploring children

questions

answers

chubby toes kicking the nicest woman the entire flight

taking in a new place

seeing a part of God's creation for the first time

stunning sunsets

even more incredible sunrises

being awake to see the sunrise

seeing nothing but rolling hills, blue skies as far as I can look

sitting outside holding baby as the sun rises slowly over the pond

quiet

hearing the world, God's world, moving around me

time with family

reflecting on old family memories

missing those we've lost

seeing them again in family videos

kids driving tractors

sidewalk chalk

learning about "tomatoes" and "tomato cellars."

majestic horses in the fields

the biggest sky I've ever seen

helping my parents in the kitchen

Baby loving on Poppa

Son helping Grandma-mother in the kitchen

Daughter learning new homework tips from Poppa

Talking to Hubby/Daddy every day

Missing home

Missing hubby

Waiting for Auntie to arrive

Swimming for hours at Grandma's house

(how often can we say that??!!)

throwing rocks in the pond

setting off fireworks

sleeping in one room together

admiring Oklahoma's adorable zoo

Running along the Arkansas River

The sweet and knowledgeable veterans at the air and space museum

the vastness of space

Myself, so small, not even a speck in this incredible galaxy

Being treasured by the one, the Force holding all "this" together

More galaxies than we can count or explore in a lifetime

stars, constantly being "born" and dying, Jesus knowing each one and it's number 

Realizing my place in this life

having a good day

Baby calling my parent's dog "Bewwah!!"

A fresh haircut

talking to my dad late into the night

Belle sings SIlent Night

A couple weeks ago, when I put Son down for a nap, we had one of those insane moments. The screaming, flailing, hitting, kicking, arching back, levitating, running up the walls and drop-kicking toys, speaking in another dialect...you know, when a kid does NOT want to nap so badly that they go all 

Emily Rose on you? Yeah. It was kinda like that. 

I tried to reach out and rub his back. 

He jerked away.

I tried to calmly say his name and talk to him.

He screamed at me.

I tried to cuddle him.

He hit me.

I tried to leave.

He threw stuff and screamed to come back.

It was definitely not one of his most charming moments.

I was at a loss and getting frustrated, anticipating that he would be waking Baby up any moment. 

I pleaded with God to cast out the demons. I sat down on the floor of his room, watching my little boy lose his marbles because he was so sleepy, and I started to sing. It was Christmas time and the only song that came to mind immediately seemed to reflect the deepest desires of my heart. I sang Silent Night. Right after the first "Holy Night," he sat down and watched me, wiping his eyes and sniffling that sad little kid sniffle. As soon as I got to "yon virgin," he crawled over and started to climb on my lap. I looked past the boogers and tears and pulled him in, leaning his red, tear-stained face on my chest. 

I wrapped my arms around him and finished the song, rocking slightly. 

I started to sing it again and was about halfway through when he stopped me. 

"Mommy...Mommy..."

I was a little annoyed. Couldn't he just enjoy the moment and fall asleep? Do we have to have questions, or discussions or arguments right now?

"What Son?"

"Mommy...can you sing it two more times?"

"Yes Son. Do you like this song?"

"Yeah, I like dis song. You sing dis song like Belle. So pretty Mommy."

Guilt set in for feeling so annoyed. Thankfulness set in for God helping me keep my cool and showing me what my little boy needed. I sang Silent Night two more times and then tucked Son into bed. 

I have since had the same scenario happen a couple times. Son goes into hysteria at bed or nap time. Demons take over. I pull out Silent Night in my best Belle voice and demons run for the hills. 

I would highly recommend this technique to any religious leader with a sticky demon possession situation or any mother with a sleep demon lingering.

 One or two refrains of Silent Night (using a Belle voice) and your insane child is out. 

You can all thank me later. ;-)

Exhausted

We've all felt it; those sandpaper eyes, body aching, clumsy stepping, nonsense mumbling feeling that encompasses being exhausted. We've all stayed up too late for whatever reason, pushing ourselves too hard our just enjoying life too much; we've had days that just drained every last ounce of energy from our veins or we've had situations that leeched the life from us and left us so weary we wondered if we could pick ourselves back up again. We've all been completely and utterly exhausted.

When I was in high school I would often stay up working on projects I had saved for the night before, frantically searching for images of the solar system to paste to my poster board and staring at a computer screen so long my retinas were temporarily seared. I also stayed up on the weekends to spend the night at girlfriends' houses, talking long into the night about that hunk of a football player all the girls were after, analyzing every word of every song Three Doors Down ever made, and flipping through issue upon issue of Seventeen to find the perfect prom dress or find out if my crush liked me based on my definitive answers to the randomly selected multiple choice questions.

In college things didn't get much better. I would stay up again for projects I had procrastinated, however these were often much longer, much more detailed and much more important, only adding to the pressure I felt to greet the sun with my ninth cup of coffee. Speaking of coffee, I also worked at a coffee shop and had to be there by four in the morning, leaving very little time to sleep anyway. When I wasn't staying up all night and day working and going to school, I was spending time with friends, going to midnight movie premiers or 3 am trips to the beach. Sleep was a convenience, and I wasn't looking for convenience.

Then on to motherhood. Ahem, pregnancy rang in this bell. I had no sooner started to finally have people ask me when I was expecting my little bundle when my little bundle became more like a hippopotamus in my bed! I couldn't get out of my own way! I took up too much room and therefore, there wasn't enough room for me; even if I tried to roll over, somehow sweet little bundle of hippo got there first making it impossible to sleep comfortably if at all. Then the bundle became a gorgeous little baby. A beautiful, screaming, eating, pooping, burping, clinging, frantic, little baby. I thought I would be fine considering all the all-nighters I had pulled in my life, but I was definitely shocked when faced with the reality of how very little babies sleep. Sleeping like a baby??? Qué??!

I told myself that toddlers sleep through the night so as soon as I hit that point, I'm home free! My hopes were dashed last night (among others) when Daughter woke up at 4 am insisting that she needed to wear a princess dress and princess shoes and make sure it was still dark outside before going back to sleep. Ehhh.

So you would think exhaustion wouldn't be an issue for me, and for the most part, I deal with physical exhaustion well, with the exception of the times it really catches up to me and slaps me across the face.

However, I am having a hard time adjusting to a different type of exhaustion. I have learned that emotional and mental exhaustion is a territory that is uncharted and unforgiving. And I am so exhausted inside.

I am tired of trying to everything to everyone. I am exhausted from trying to fulfill everyone's needs, to please everyone around me, to be who everyone wants or needs me to be. I find myself constantly pushing aside what is truly important to me; what I truly need, what I want, what is good for myself and for my family in order to please people around me or be there for them. I'm not talking about having an issue with being what my family needs me to be (although wonder woman is a rather intimidating role) or being there to help out close friends when they need someone or something. I love to have people in my life and I love to show them how special and valuable they are to me.

I am talking about just trying to meet "peoples'" expectations, their standards. I am talking about the times when I find myself feeling down, guilty or apologizing for qualities, traits and interests that make me who I am. These things make me the person that people like or dislike. I am exhausted by trying to make sure everyone likes me; and I don't do this because I feel that I need that huge of a network (I have Verizon anyway, so I apparently don't need very many more people), but because there is some fiber in my being, something wired into my makeup that makes me loathe disappointing people. Anyone. I shudder when I know that I've disappointed my Father and thinking about the many more times in my life when I will. I hate disappointing my family, of course. I hate disappointing my friends. I hate disappointing my boss at work, which is weird, because I really am not the biggest fan anyway, so you would think I wouldn't mind. But I do! I hate disappointing those people in the mall that try to curl/straighten your hair or put some insanely magical lotion on your hands. I hate disappointing the drive-thru people when they ask me to upsize my meal so that I can leave with 186 oz of ice tea instead of the standard 24 oz. I hate when people disagree with me because I am afraid they are disappointed in me. I even find myself apologizing to the man in the car that just cut me off so badly I had to slam on my brakes and there is now a four car pile-up behind me and I am pulled off in the ditch. Really, I wave sorry before I even think about using the horn. Why am I like this??

I don't know the answer to that, but I have been learning a lot of lessons lately. I have been learning that I am who I am. It sounds so simple, but it really is a hard thing for me to wrap my brain around. I have learned that when I let other people tell me who I should be or steer me down a path I have not chosen for myself, that I am really showing very little respect and pride for myself. We cannot look to the people around us as mirrors because they are clouded. The only true reflection we should look to is our Father, for His mirror is clear and clean. He not only shows us exactly who we are, which is who He created us to be, but He teaches us to love and accept ourselves that way. And if we are constantly beating ourselves up or trying to change or apologizing for who we are then we are insulting our maker.

Of course, we are not the same person we were the day we were born, the day we graduated or even the person we were one year ago. We naturally change with the different influences and experiences that are put in out lives. However, we can change gracefully and positively if we are keeping our compass focused on Him. I think change is a wonderful thing that we all need to accept and embrace; as long as we are not changing our hard-wired makeup: our values, morals and standards for ourselves, we should be walking into new days and experiences with our heads held high, knowing that through life we are molded into the best possible person we can be. I am slowly but surely learning to accept that and love it.

I am tired of being exhausted because I am draining myself trying to be what everyone else hopes and wants me to be. I need to be who and what I am for myself and my family. I will learn to accept this with pride and joy and not apologize for who I am. We are "fearfully and wonderfully made...I know that full well." David shows us this lesson in Psalm 139:14. I think that if I take this lesson and make it my own, I will draw people to me who genuinely love me for me. People who will never dream of making me feel badly for the person I am or the things I like or how I am; but people who will love me for that. These people are the ones that deserve special places in your life; they will receive and welcome the differences and similarities and respect you for being true to yourself. 

I am proud of who God has made me and although I know that He will continue to change and mold me as I continue down this journey, I can rest (and stop being exhausted) knowing that I am who He made me to be. Not only is this an important lesson for me to hold near but it is an important lesson for me to live boldly and teach my children as well.

About me...Ten months ago

I saw this on a friend's blog and thought it would be fun. Here's a post all about myself, just a few things. Well fifty, to be exact, that you may or may not already know. Feel free to skip. I don't blame you. I'm not the most terribly interesting person.

1. My mom made up my name. De'Bran. She has a thing with unique names. My sister is Chantel Zorana. I hated it growing up and have learned to embrace it as an adult.
2. I have one younger sister. She is four and a half years younger. We could not be more different.
3. I love to travel; airports, hotels, rental cars, roadtrips, eating at new places, luggage, packing, unpacking, everything. I have been to Alaska, Washington, Oregon, Utah, Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, Mexico, Australia and the Netherlands and absolutely cannot wait to travel again someday.
4. I love to write. I also love English and grammar and have recently come to terms with myself as a grammar and spelling Natzi. Not that I am without error, but I know I have an issue. I always wanted to be a writer and was advised by several teachers throughout school and college that I should write, but I dabbled in other studies for other reasons. That's another story.
5. I love the idea of primping with makeup and hair color and nice outfits and I often go through phases of trying very hard to spruce myself up, but the truth of the matter is I am just too lazy and would rather spend my time and money on other things. Poor Kenny.
6. I moved out when I was 19. Well technically, my parents moved out and I stayed behind. I made them think I had a place to live and did not and when they left I had $200, a loaded down car and a packed storage unit. I seriously considered staying in my storage unit but the hours it was open didn't work with my work schedule.
That's an entirely different story that I could write a post for. Should I?
7. I've had my heart broken only once and learned to love again so deeply it hurts, but in a very good way.
8. I always wanted four kids, very close together. Now I have three kids very close together and I think I may be done. ;-)
*** Well we all know that didn't last ;)***
9. I don't know my father. Another story.
10. I have an amazing dad.
11. I talk to my mom a few times a week. She's one of my best friends.
12. My sister and I just recently have started to get along. It was a long and rocky road to being able to talk without yelling.
13. I hated Hubby when I met him. I called my mom and told her my boss needed serious prayer.
14. She hated Hubby when she met him and of course, by that time, I did not hate him any more. She hated him for a long time. Another story. I should take a poll...which story are you all most interested to hear?
15. I was always raised knowing and learning about God, but truly became saved in high school, when I was fifteen.
16. I was once told I couldn't have children.
17. I switched doctors.
18. I participated in a pregnant bikini contest. Yes, yes I did. Another story. lol
19. I love to read. I'll read anything: books, magazines, textbooks. I like things based on real events or based in reality. I don't do science fiction or fantasy. Same goes with movies and TV shows. Although, I do love tall tales, fables, and fairy tales. I guess those usually have a good lesson to go along with the ridiculous story.
20. I'm a carrier for cystic fibrosis.
21. I have very bad asthma.
22. I played piano, saxophone, clarinet, flute and dabbled with the trumpet, French horn and trombone.
23. Being in an orchestra to record soundtracks for movies and/or play concerts would have been my dream job, besides being a mommy of course.
24. My favorite color is green.
25. My favorite movies are Moulin Rouge, A River Runs Through It, My Fair Lady and Legends of the Fall.
26. I would like to have a little bit of land somewhere much more rural than here and have horses.
27. I used to ride a few times a week.
28. I've always had a thing for all things ranch and cowboy.
29. I really, really do not like bugs. Especially ants.
30. I don't like birds as pets.
31. I am extremely allergic to cats and take allergy medication before I go to certain people's houses and always take an extra emergency inhaler, just in case. I have forgotten and had to leave unable to speak because I could barely breath.
32. I am somewhat lactose intolerant. It comes and goes.
***I've since stopped eating almost all dairy, so now I don't have any issues with it :)***
33. I once had 21 units in college.
34. I love school and cannot wait to go back. I never finished college and wish I had daily.
35. I scored the exact same number on my SAT's both times I took them.
***Update: When I was in high school, I scored very high on my SAT's and have been very proud of those scores ever since. Until the other day when my neighbor's son explained to me that the scoring is different now and every time I "brag" about my scores, they are truly laughable. Phfff...***
36. My favorite job I ever had was working at a coffee shop.
37. Hubby and I were married in Vegas. I was five months pregnant. My wedding dress was $40. Classy ;)
38. I've been accused of having an eating disorder.
39. I once went in a coyote den and saw pups. We ran.
40. I am a fairly laid back person, but I do tend to be sensitive. It is a blessing and a curse.
41. I do not believe in aliens, but Hubby is not so sure. It makes for very interesting conversations.
42. I am obsessed with Christmas, and love all other holidays. Well, not Valentine's day. I only like it for the kids.
43. I drive a Toyota Sienna and I love it.
44. I adore Garth Brooks. Really, really adore him. One of his band members rubbed my belly when I was pregnant with Son.
45. I love to blog, but refuse to feel obligated to it. That is my explanation for any extended absences from blog world.
46. I have never been away from my kids overnight, except to have another baby.
***Update: We did have our first overnight date in February, this year. So this isn't true. Although the next time I'm away from my kids overnight, will probably be to have another baby. lol***
47. I had a miscarriage and still find myself very sad about it. That baby would be two this month.
48. My favorite scripture is Exodus 14:14. It says (NIV) "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still."
49. I love to cook and bake. Especially the latter.
50. I needed a signed permission slip from my parents to participate in a class activity in college. Second semester.

Well, there you have it. Fifty silly and useless things to know about me. :)

My Desire

My desire as a mother and wife is to be there uncompromisingly for my family; to guide them and help us to live a life that is worthy and pleasing to God. For a while now I have been struggling to find a church to call home. I just want to find a simple and small church filled with people who are all striving towards the same thing; people who are uplifting and encouraging to one another; I am looking for a church that is a family. I do not like the constant push of "business" in the church, I am turned off by plasma screens, fancy instruments, crazy light shows, comedy routines, and offers to text me the message should I not feel like going one Sunday. I understand diversity and variety and keeping things fresh and new, but I feel like there is a deep simplicity to the message that God wants us to hear. Plasmas and texting don't do anything for our hearts; only God's message of His undying love for us and everything He desires for us can really reach our hearts. At least, that's what I believe. So while I hunt for a church that isn't selling me anything or enticing people to come with Starbucks before service (whatever happened to donated lemonade and donuts or women bringing coffee and cider to share?) I have been spending a lot of time at home reading the Bible, various devotionals and books and listening to worship music; I have been teaching Daughter little Bible stories and doing crafts to simulate Sunday School. It has been lovely; if only we had a little white steeple!! But anyway, I came across this song which I have heard a lot and always liked but really sat down and listened to the words. It etched something special into my heart and I just thought that I would share the lyrics for those that have not heard them yet. It makes me truly ponder if I am making myself available to be used by God. It makes me pray fervently for Him to show me His purpose for my life. How does He want to use me? Am I putting blinders on in order to fill my own agenda or am I waking up each morning and before my feet even hit the floor, begging Him to show me how He can use me that day? I hope that is my true desire and I pray that He fulfills that desire within. :o)

Jeremy Camp My DesireYou want to be real, you want to be empty inside
You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
Then lay it all down before the king
You want to be whole, you want to have purpose inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind
You want to be set free today
Then lay it all down before the king
This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire to be used by you
You want to be real, you want to be empty inside
And I know my heart is to feel you near
And I know my life
It's to do your will
It's to do your will
All my life I have seen
Where you've take me
Beyond all I have hoped
And there's more left unseen
There's not much I can do to repay all you've done
So I give my hands to use